unfaithful.

I’m falling apart.

Someone once told me,
“It is easier to stay in love & be hurt
than to fall out of it & be happy”

I think I’m losing relationships with people that I used to hold so closely to my heart.
It’s because I can’t be happy when I’m with them or when I’m talking to them anymore, it’s become a problem. Every second of every day, I’m constantly obsessed with thinking… thinking about this boy. I’m obsessed with thinking of things to make him notice me, to make him obsess over me.

I complain way too much, I’m really trying to get over this. Work on being thankful and grateful for what I have.

Today a person I would call one of my very close friends, someone I have trusted a lot lately. I have told him many things that I have been too scared to even admit to myself. Today… he ripped me apart. He said some very nasty things to me, things I will never forget. I didn’t think it would affect me, the words he so passionately said. But it has. It made me feel pathetic, like every step I take and everything I do means nothing. He made me feel horrible about my life and the direction I’m going in.

He probably thinks that this is a good thing, that he has changed my path, altered the course.

What he doesn’t understand is that my course has already been set, I can’t change where my heart wants to take me. Deep, down inside of me, I know that I am still the same person that he remembers me as. It’s almost as if… I’m growing up. I’ve been introduced to new people, seen new things, made new memories. He acts as if this is wrong, He says, I am poisoning myself by changing. But how can he say that when the reason I’ve shifted, the reason I have tried to go a different direction, the entire reason for everything. Is that I’m trying to escape from the one thing , the one thing that poisons me day in, day out.

I just get so aggravated and annoyed these days. With people who I want to care about, I want to listen to, I want to love. & I do. I do love them unbelievably much.

It’s just… my entire body is yearning, aching for something that seems so incredibly unattainable that I am terrified to even admit it to myself, let alone him.

I want him so badly.
That my mind cannot focus on expressing my love for everyone else. He is weighing me down. My heart cannot move off this track, this almost guaranteed journey of failure.

But I need to be strong.
For everyone else.

For those whom I love, who also love me back.
For those who will stick with me, through thick and thin.
For those who I have neglected or half-heartedly cared about lately
Hopefully, they can forgive me for this selfish act I have been partaking in.

& when the curtain closes at the end of each day, when I have tried my best to forget. When I have tried to move on, tried to heal this hurt. Tried to make things better… maybe just maybe, the tears will begin to decrease in numbers and softly fad away, like the remains of the ever forceful wave that just crashed repeatedly onto the never ending shore.

But then again, the waves never do stop rolling.

unwanted.

(inhale)
Silence. It’s your best friend and your worst enemy. And I sit here in silence with tears rolling down my face and I feel so alone.
I found out today that I only have one honest to god, true to me friend.
& the boy who broke my heart is trying to sweet talk her.

I feel as if im being ripped into a million pieces.. actually no. Nobody cares enough to take the time to rip me apart, they just leave their unfixable cracks and push me aside, back away. And it hurts so much… but I knew that this was going to happen. Why do I try so hard to see the best in people, give them second chances. Hope is what’s murdering me from the inside out.

I would do anything for him. And all he can do to me, is talk to my best friend.
HE’S SCREAMING AT HER THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR THE MOST FROM HIM.
My heart hurts. Is it possible to die of heart failure from a boy? A stupid, naive teenage boy who has me wrapped around his fingers.

They tell me to stop. They know that he is not good for me. They know that he is just playing games. They know that he will never love me back. They are trying to save me, keep me from falling deeper into this, this unhappiness. It must be starting to show, I need to try harder, fool them once again. Make them believe that I am okay.

& I just want to scream at him, let go of these feelings inside of me… show him what I’ve been holding back.
But that’s not what he wants... he would just shove me away, further away than I already am.

I’m imagining the scene.
It’s pouring rain.
We are drenched from head to toe.
Screaming at each other.
I’m crying.
I tell him that all I want in the world is him.
He kisses me and tells me that I already have it.

WHY WILL THAT NEVER HAPPEN.

& I’m back to walking through the motions. Smiling and laughing when required. Life is meaningless once again. I am one of the walking wounded, invisible to those who pass by. I walk in and out of classes with a blank stare fixed across my face, I wonder if anyone cares, I wonder if anyone even notices. Can anyone see the pain, the hurt, the desire I hide so deep inside.

He says he wants passion.
I guess that’s my next step… since I know I won’t be able to stop.
…Stop myself from loving him.
Isn’t it ironic.
(exhale)