unwanted.

(inhale)
Silence. It’s your best friend and your worst enemy. And I sit here in silence with tears rolling down my face and I feel so alone.
I found out today that I only have one honest to god, true to me friend.
& the boy who broke my heart is trying to sweet talk her.

I feel as if im being ripped into a million pieces.. actually no. Nobody cares enough to take the time to rip me apart, they just leave their unfixable cracks and push me aside, back away. And it hurts so much… but I knew that this was going to happen. Why do I try so hard to see the best in people, give them second chances. Hope is what’s murdering me from the inside out.

I would do anything for him. And all he can do to me, is talk to my best friend.
HE’S SCREAMING AT HER THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR THE MOST FROM HIM.
My heart hurts. Is it possible to die of heart failure from a boy? A stupid, naive teenage boy who has me wrapped around his fingers.

They tell me to stop. They know that he is not good for me. They know that he is just playing games. They know that he will never love me back. They are trying to save me, keep me from falling deeper into this, this unhappiness. It must be starting to show, I need to try harder, fool them once again. Make them believe that I am okay.

& I just want to scream at him, let go of these feelings inside of me… show him what I’ve been holding back.
But that’s not what he wants... he would just shove me away, further away than I already am.

I’m imagining the scene.
It’s pouring rain.
We are drenched from head to toe.
Screaming at each other.
I’m crying.
I tell him that all I want in the world is him.
He kisses me and tells me that I already have it.

WHY WILL THAT NEVER HAPPEN.

& I’m back to walking through the motions. Smiling and laughing when required. Life is meaningless once again. I am one of the walking wounded, invisible to those who pass by. I walk in and out of classes with a blank stare fixed across my face, I wonder if anyone cares, I wonder if anyone even notices. Can anyone see the pain, the hurt, the desire I hide so deep inside.

He says he wants passion.
I guess that’s my next step… since I know I won’t be able to stop.
…Stop myself from loving him.
Isn’t it ironic.
(exhale)