unbeautiful.

& I can’t take everyone telling me he was a jerk. And that I deserve better. I don’t deserve better… How can I deserve better… when I don’t even deserve him.

What is wrong with me? There has to be some sort of simple explanation… the easy answer is me. I’m doing something wrong, something horribly horribly wrong. Do I not care enough? ... but I do care. Am I not fun enough? Not funny enough? Not nice enough? Not pretty enough? Not crazy enough? Not perfect enough? ... that must be it. all of it. every single thing that I'm not.

And as I sit here…motionless I don’t know what the next step is for me, for this useless life I keep wasting. I just want to be free from all burden, free from my beaten heart, free from these feelings. I just want to live. Free from all of this, just free, free.

You don’t know what to say, you don’t know what to do, but every second you ponder what the right move is. You make it harder for me, you make me second guess everything one more time, you make me search for the slightest part of myself that thinks that this could be a huge misunderstanding. Stop hurting me. Just talk to me, I promise I will put my mask on and my perfected fake smile. You won’t know anything. Everything will be okay…on the outside.

Now go. Have fun. It’s your senior year for crying out loud. Live it up. Hook up with all those girls you fantasize about. Don’t look back. Even though I’ll be waiting… & hoping & wishing & hurting.

I’m an idiot… an even bigger fool. To have actually believed in you.

& now I can’t breath.. it’s happening again. All too quick. I’m not prepared, what can prepare you for this. I don’t know what to say, I need to save myself, save us. No… I can’t save us. That would be too good to be true, but not fair. Not fair to me, to my heart, my mind, my soul. But those things don’t matter, not to me, not to anyone. So where does that leave me. Where do I go from here? Is there a true path in which I should travel… what about the present, the seconds ticking away? I need a sign. Something to guide me through this mess of the impossible search for happiness.