untouched.

i feel so untouched right now need you so much.

i now understand why he doesn't post many new blogs... this takes a lot of time and thought to come up with some things that you are proud enough of to post. I am not even going to reread whatever I write for that reason, I would never end up posting this.

I am not sure why.
I don't understand what he is trying to do here.
He says that he wants to just do, not think. but it seems to me that he has been thinking too much lately.
He expects me to believe and trust everything in which he has told me.
I can't... I can't just let down this wall that has taken four months to build.
I can't... let everything that I have worked so hard to achieve, just go.
I worked so hard to get where I am at and i can feel it... all crashing down on me.

It's like he is trying to prove something to me. Like I don't already know that he can get whatever girl he wants... obviously he can get whatever he wants. always. that's how it's always been.

& the worst part... he knows that I would do anything for him. He doesn't want to admit it, but he has to know that deep down I belong to him.

And with this thought... it leads me to thinking. we have to belong together.. at some point, right?
we have been through so many things.. experienced so many things... said so many things...
so many things... have led me to believe that if he would just settle down and give us a chance. we could work.
*** it could be beautiful.

yeah... right. :/

if he's trying to make me jealous. it's kinda working... but i'm learning too. every day... it's getting easier. & soon, hopefully. It will all be gone. and then he will be crawling back to me, wishing he hadn't missed out on everything, again.

unbeautiful.

& I can’t take everyone telling me he was a jerk. And that I deserve better. I don’t deserve better… How can I deserve better… when I don’t even deserve him.

What is wrong with me? There has to be some sort of simple explanation… the easy answer is me. I’m doing something wrong, something horribly horribly wrong. Do I not care enough? ... but I do care. Am I not fun enough? Not funny enough? Not nice enough? Not pretty enough? Not crazy enough? Not perfect enough? ... that must be it. all of it. every single thing that I'm not.

And as I sit here…motionless I don’t know what the next step is for me, for this useless life I keep wasting. I just want to be free from all burden, free from my beaten heart, free from these feelings. I just want to live. Free from all of this, just free, free.

You don’t know what to say, you don’t know what to do, but every second you ponder what the right move is. You make it harder for me, you make me second guess everything one more time, you make me search for the slightest part of myself that thinks that this could be a huge misunderstanding. Stop hurting me. Just talk to me, I promise I will put my mask on and my perfected fake smile. You won’t know anything. Everything will be okay…on the outside.

Now go. Have fun. It’s your senior year for crying out loud. Live it up. Hook up with all those girls you fantasize about. Don’t look back. Even though I’ll be waiting… & hoping & wishing & hurting.

I’m an idiot… an even bigger fool. To have actually believed in you.

& now I can’t breath.. it’s happening again. All too quick. I’m not prepared, what can prepare you for this. I don’t know what to say, I need to save myself, save us. No… I can’t save us. That would be too good to be true, but not fair. Not fair to me, to my heart, my mind, my soul. But those things don’t matter, not to me, not to anyone. So where does that leave me. Where do I go from here? Is there a true path in which I should travel… what about the present, the seconds ticking away? I need a sign. Something to guide me through this mess of the impossible search for happiness.