the power of gravity.

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart”

My emotions pour out in smiles… its like an entire different center of gravity.

A misguided text fully anticipated with leading me to another heartbreak happened to place me on this path. It’s hard for me to write because it almost feels as if I’m lying to myself but I promise, it’s the godforsaken truth. I am happy.

I’m not going to lie… that fact terrifies me more than anything. Over the past year I’ve placed myself into an almost constant pattern… expecting the worst and never letting my heart get involved. But I can’t seem to help it. With him, I forget to worry. And more than everything, I am getting used to this… this hopefulness.

I’m letting go of protections that I’ve clung to and I’m lowering the walls that I have ever so perfected over the years. I don’t know what it is about him that lets me trust him. That lets me let him see me, for who I really am. I’m taking risks just letting myself write something like this.

But it’s the calming effect… the second his hand touches mine. I can’t ignore the butterflies shooting up from my stomach causing me to catch my breath just to return his smile. And I ask myself if this is real… because I’ve never felt this way.

It’s the constant excitement… never knowing what is going to happen next. But as I’ve learned it’s also about trusting, trusting that whatever happens won’t hurt.

I found that it is much more difficult to pour your heart out… knowing that he will read it and see straight through you, it’s hard to let yourself become vulnerable.

unfaithful.

I’m falling apart.

Someone once told me,
“It is easier to stay in love & be hurt
than to fall out of it & be happy”

I think I’m losing relationships with people that I used to hold so closely to my heart.
It’s because I can’t be happy when I’m with them or when I’m talking to them anymore, it’s become a problem. Every second of every day, I’m constantly obsessed with thinking… thinking about this boy. I’m obsessed with thinking of things to make him notice me, to make him obsess over me.

I complain way too much, I’m really trying to get over this. Work on being thankful and grateful for what I have.

Today a person I would call one of my very close friends, someone I have trusted a lot lately. I have told him many things that I have been too scared to even admit to myself. Today… he ripped me apart. He said some very nasty things to me, things I will never forget. I didn’t think it would affect me, the words he so passionately said. But it has. It made me feel pathetic, like every step I take and everything I do means nothing. He made me feel horrible about my life and the direction I’m going in.

He probably thinks that this is a good thing, that he has changed my path, altered the course.

What he doesn’t understand is that my course has already been set, I can’t change where my heart wants to take me. Deep, down inside of me, I know that I am still the same person that he remembers me as. It’s almost as if… I’m growing up. I’ve been introduced to new people, seen new things, made new memories. He acts as if this is wrong, He says, I am poisoning myself by changing. But how can he say that when the reason I’ve shifted, the reason I have tried to go a different direction, the entire reason for everything. Is that I’m trying to escape from the one thing , the one thing that poisons me day in, day out.

I just get so aggravated and annoyed these days. With people who I want to care about, I want to listen to, I want to love. & I do. I do love them unbelievably much.

It’s just… my entire body is yearning, aching for something that seems so incredibly unattainable that I am terrified to even admit it to myself, let alone him.

I want him so badly.
That my mind cannot focus on expressing my love for everyone else. He is weighing me down. My heart cannot move off this track, this almost guaranteed journey of failure.

But I need to be strong.
For everyone else.

For those whom I love, who also love me back.
For those who will stick with me, through thick and thin.
For those who I have neglected or half-heartedly cared about lately
Hopefully, they can forgive me for this selfish act I have been partaking in.

& when the curtain closes at the end of each day, when I have tried my best to forget. When I have tried to move on, tried to heal this hurt. Tried to make things better… maybe just maybe, the tears will begin to decrease in numbers and softly fad away, like the remains of the ever forceful wave that just crashed repeatedly onto the never ending shore.

But then again, the waves never do stop rolling.

unwanted.

(inhale)
Silence. It’s your best friend and your worst enemy. And I sit here in silence with tears rolling down my face and I feel so alone.
I found out today that I only have one honest to god, true to me friend.
& the boy who broke my heart is trying to sweet talk her.

I feel as if im being ripped into a million pieces.. actually no. Nobody cares enough to take the time to rip me apart, they just leave their unfixable cracks and push me aside, back away. And it hurts so much… but I knew that this was going to happen. Why do I try so hard to see the best in people, give them second chances. Hope is what’s murdering me from the inside out.

I would do anything for him. And all he can do to me, is talk to my best friend.
HE’S SCREAMING AT HER THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR THE MOST FROM HIM.
My heart hurts. Is it possible to die of heart failure from a boy? A stupid, naive teenage boy who has me wrapped around his fingers.

They tell me to stop. They know that he is not good for me. They know that he is just playing games. They know that he will never love me back. They are trying to save me, keep me from falling deeper into this, this unhappiness. It must be starting to show, I need to try harder, fool them once again. Make them believe that I am okay.

& I just want to scream at him, let go of these feelings inside of me… show him what I’ve been holding back.
But that’s not what he wants... he would just shove me away, further away than I already am.

I’m imagining the scene.
It’s pouring rain.
We are drenched from head to toe.
Screaming at each other.
I’m crying.
I tell him that all I want in the world is him.
He kisses me and tells me that I already have it.

WHY WILL THAT NEVER HAPPEN.

& I’m back to walking through the motions. Smiling and laughing when required. Life is meaningless once again. I am one of the walking wounded, invisible to those who pass by. I walk in and out of classes with a blank stare fixed across my face, I wonder if anyone cares, I wonder if anyone even notices. Can anyone see the pain, the hurt, the desire I hide so deep inside.

He says he wants passion.
I guess that’s my next step… since I know I won’t be able to stop.
…Stop myself from loving him.
Isn’t it ironic.
(exhale)

untouched.

i feel so untouched right now need you so much.

i now understand why he doesn't post many new blogs... this takes a lot of time and thought to come up with some things that you are proud enough of to post. I am not even going to reread whatever I write for that reason, I would never end up posting this.

I am not sure why.
I don't understand what he is trying to do here.
He says that he wants to just do, not think. but it seems to me that he has been thinking too much lately.
He expects me to believe and trust everything in which he has told me.
I can't... I can't just let down this wall that has taken four months to build.
I can't... let everything that I have worked so hard to achieve, just go.
I worked so hard to get where I am at and i can feel it... all crashing down on me.

It's like he is trying to prove something to me. Like I don't already know that he can get whatever girl he wants... obviously he can get whatever he wants. always. that's how it's always been.

& the worst part... he knows that I would do anything for him. He doesn't want to admit it, but he has to know that deep down I belong to him.

And with this thought... it leads me to thinking. we have to belong together.. at some point, right?
we have been through so many things.. experienced so many things... said so many things...
so many things... have led me to believe that if he would just settle down and give us a chance. we could work.
*** it could be beautiful.

yeah... right. :/

if he's trying to make me jealous. it's kinda working... but i'm learning too. every day... it's getting easier. & soon, hopefully. It will all be gone. and then he will be crawling back to me, wishing he hadn't missed out on everything, again.

unbeautiful.

& I can’t take everyone telling me he was a jerk. And that I deserve better. I don’t deserve better… How can I deserve better… when I don’t even deserve him.

What is wrong with me? There has to be some sort of simple explanation… the easy answer is me. I’m doing something wrong, something horribly horribly wrong. Do I not care enough? ... but I do care. Am I not fun enough? Not funny enough? Not nice enough? Not pretty enough? Not crazy enough? Not perfect enough? ... that must be it. all of it. every single thing that I'm not.

And as I sit here…motionless I don’t know what the next step is for me, for this useless life I keep wasting. I just want to be free from all burden, free from my beaten heart, free from these feelings. I just want to live. Free from all of this, just free, free.

You don’t know what to say, you don’t know what to do, but every second you ponder what the right move is. You make it harder for me, you make me second guess everything one more time, you make me search for the slightest part of myself that thinks that this could be a huge misunderstanding. Stop hurting me. Just talk to me, I promise I will put my mask on and my perfected fake smile. You won’t know anything. Everything will be okay…on the outside.

Now go. Have fun. It’s your senior year for crying out loud. Live it up. Hook up with all those girls you fantasize about. Don’t look back. Even though I’ll be waiting… & hoping & wishing & hurting.

I’m an idiot… an even bigger fool. To have actually believed in you.

& now I can’t breath.. it’s happening again. All too quick. I’m not prepared, what can prepare you for this. I don’t know what to say, I need to save myself, save us. No… I can’t save us. That would be too good to be true, but not fair. Not fair to me, to my heart, my mind, my soul. But those things don’t matter, not to me, not to anyone. So where does that leave me. Where do I go from here? Is there a true path in which I should travel… what about the present, the seconds ticking away? I need a sign. Something to guide me through this mess of the impossible search for happiness.